The Stapler

So yesterday in my micro class (of course the smallest class I have that Kyle of course is in as well), we had our first homework due and if it wasn't stapled you lost like half a point out of only three points of something, so it was kind of a big deal.
After last semester, I decided I should just carry a small stapler in my backpack so that I had one if I needed it, or anyone else needed it. Sooo, class just began and everyone is getting their homeowork together and I hear Kyle, that sits about 2 rows behind me and 3 or 4 seats over ask in a friendly manner if anyone has a stapler, I instantly say I do, just out of habitual reaction.
I look at him and his happy face falls completely flat.
I instantly regretted opening my mouth but it was too late now, I opened my bag and walked over to hang it to him in silence and then I go and sit back down and then he comes back over and hands it back to me again in silence.
This may not seem like a big deal at all but it is our first sober interaction since our break up on Jan 13th. 
So, It was a BIG deal.
The class goes on and I am barely keeping my shit together but I had luckily just talked to my therapist that day and was able to be a bit more rational. The class ends and I realize that it's okay, I felt better about this.
BUT! I look at my phone as I was about to walk out of the room and what is this?
A TEXT FROM KYLE!
It just says Thanks.
This doesn't really shock me because my therapist explained that Kyle sounded a lot like an introvert (which he is) and so he has a really hard time expressing how he feels and as small as saying Thanks seems, in our situation and with our emotional climate, I perfectly understand why he texted it to me.
My response was not well thought out and I regretted it after I said it but what can you do...
I said: You're welcome. If you are going to your car right now I have some things of yours if you want to get them or something
Ughh dumb of me. He didn't respond which frankly wasn't unexpected but I am mad that I tried to push him too fast into seeing me again. Classic me, we interact for the first time and I am ready to jump into full blown conversations haha
But I need to remember that he is not like that and that he needs time and space and it's not that he is not emotionally involved or that he does or doesn't want to talk, it's just that he needs to think.
That has always been a hard thing for me to accept and remember but it's probably more important now than ever. So yeah... That is the stapler incident...

Well...

So I finished seasons 1-3 of parks and Rec so now I need a new hobby. But I think it's maybe time to give a little background on the infamous 'Brendan' issue and why it was the main downfall in my relationship with Kyle.
The short story is that while I was dating this guy Matt, Kyle and I were really close. We would hot tub together and hang out and I always said 'oh we're just friends' but I knew I had feelings for him. I thought he didn't have feelings for me and so I justified our hanging out all the time in that way. Fast forward 8 months and Kyle ends up sleeping over at my house and we kiss. All our feelings come rushing out but I am about to go on a two week vacation with Matt and my family. I promised Kyle I wouldn't tell anyone but my guilt overcame me and I told Matt and then Kyle and I were not friends...

Obviously we resolved the issue, Matt and I broke up about 4 months later and badabing badaboom! Kyle and I began our relationship. Now the issue is that Brendan is also a close friend of mine. Kyle explained many times that he felt uncomfortable with that friendship and so I would stop being friends with Brendan for awhile but then I would start to feel guilty because he didn't do anything. But after about a million times of me promising I would not be friends with Brendan, and breaking that promise (whether or not I should have made that promise is completely irrelevant, I said I would do something and continually failed to do it.) But Kyle finally had enough. There were of course other factors, such as I needed all his time, and I was always late, and I wouldn't show him enough affection sometimes but those were all small factors, the major problem was Brendan.

After looking back on my relationship a bit more, I realized that my personal issues with self esteem, and dependence and constantly needing external validation really added and are the deep rooted problems that lead to a lot of the issues in our relationship. I am not trying to take full blame because relationships are a two way street but I know that my problems took the driver seat most of the time with the downfall of this relationship. I new I needed to be alone after I broke up with Matt but my intimate relationship with Kyle and everything I already had with him was such an incentive to be together. I am punching myself in the face now for not stopping and saying 'Look I like you a lot but I really think I need to be alone for awhile, I have been with someone almost consistently since I was 14 and I need to be single to work on myself." Had I just been able to say that I might still have Kyle as my best friend and I would probably still have him as my boyfriend but I guess you live and learn.

A Life... I don't have one.

Wow!
So in the past few days I realized how much of a life I do NOT have. My life currently consists of:
1. Watching parks and rec
2. Waiting for Brendan to text me so I can talk to someone for a little
3. Going to work for 3-4 hours at a time
4. Doing some homework
5. Waiting for someone to play a word on words with friends.
6. Oh yeah, I go to class too.

I guess when it's written out, it looks a little bit more demanding but I promise it's not.
I am just shocked and so curious at what other people do with their time! I have all this free empty time that I am so bored and I can't figure out what to do with myself. It makes so much sense why I have been in relationships now because what the hell am I supposed to do with all this free time! I'm just so confused at people that say they don't have 'time' for a relationship. No, you are lying, you have time, I know from experience. I also just need hobbies or something. I need to get some interests and then pursue them. I guess I've taken up all my 'friendship' time and 'interest' time and spent it all on 'boyfriend' time. Which I have to say, part of me thinks is totally fine. I mean, my boyfriends are always my good friends, Kyle being my absolute best friend. And then I LIKE having a boyfriend, I like putting so much effort into a really close relationship. It's not like I'm using all my time and energy into something I don't enjoy. Frankly, I don't really like having friends that much. I'd like to have them at times but for the most part, I really would rather be alone, or with one other person that knows me better than anyone else, probably better than myself. I mean does that sound so terrible?
Sorry, this has turned into a little bit of a rant. Point is, I'm trying to maintain a single status for a very long time but I need help filling in my time... I think I am going to start reading a lot again, to start me off. And then we'll see!

The Weather

Also...this is what I was walking in last night and this morning, probably a good thing so I don't do something nuts like drive to Kyle's house or something...

Last Night...

Oh man, I think 'Kyle' is catching up to me... 

Last night I went out with some girl friends and I was having a good time till all of a sudden I found myself in the closet of some girls room listening to voicemails that Kyle had left like months ago that I just hadn't deleted. That is when I realized the party was over for me but I think it had ended a little while before then haha

I was lonely and vulnerable since this new sort of fling kind of fell apart and basically it was just a huge reassurance as to why I love Kyle and miss him and ughhh... I had been doing sooo good up till then. I didn't text him which I must say is a plus for me, but I was also THAT girl at the party... I mean you know that one, the one crying in the bathroom, the one sitting with her headphones in listening to music as a group of people are doing drugs on the other side of the room. I am mortified truly. BUT! Life goes on and I guess it was about time losing him caught up to me, I had been evading it for long enough trying to pretend post break up things were something I could just go through the motions of, and I wouldn't have to do any real work and eventually it would just go away. 

So I am taking a break from alcohol now, probably a good idea since I clearly have lost control of the break up situation.

So that is all...

The Break Up

Alright so I think it's time to explain the break up...

New year's day: The is going great, we had a great time at our friend's house the night before and things were good... move to about 6 hours later and I mention Brendan (a story for another time) and next thing I know, he all of a sudden needs 'alone time' (a.k.a. He is mad and wants to think about it because he doesn't want to say something he doesn't mean) So I leave and wait. And wait. And by Wednesday at noon, I decided to say hello and ask what is up?

       Me: Hello...?

     Kyle: Hi.

       Me: Are you upset at me?

     Kyle: I'm more just upset?

       Me: Why?

(Here is the kicker!)

     Kyle: I just don't think our relationship is working out.

BAM! Blow to face, the heart, the stomach. I won't give you specific details or word-by-word play backs of the whole thing but it essentially turned into be being very confused and asking why and getting emotional and him saying he didn't have the energy to explain the problems anymore.

And as I am sure most of you long term relationship people know... These things never just end. They drag on for days (or in our case a week and a half). 

Well during this week and a half (in which we saw each other for maybe a combined time of 2 hours, which was usually me begging him to talk to me about "us"), many new things were revealed over texts (we are very text savvy and really have a hard time expressing our thoughts and emotions in person).

THINGS REVEALED:

1. Kyle said I don't think our relationship is working approximately 4 times, give or take a time or two.

2. Kyle said I haven't been happy.

3. Kyle said I think you've ruined it.

4. Kyle said Brendan (again a story for another time) is becoming your best friend again.

5. Kyle said (and I quote) "I just can't feel the same way I used to feel about you anymore, and I'm not like trying to feel differently, I want to love you still but I just can't.

6. Kyle said it's been really nice having all this alone time, I've gotten through a lot of this computer programming book that I would never have been able to do before

7. Kyle said after I had sort of already called him out on it, that there was a part of him that didn't want to be in a relationship

Okay... So through out this week and a half, I mentioned about every day like six times that I was:

1. Very sorry, and I understand why he is so upset (which I'll have to explain later) and that I know that I can't even really ask him to take me back

2. I still love you more than anything in the world.

3. I know how to fix this, and I know how to ensure this things will never be a problem again.

4. I want to be with you so much.

SOOOOOOO! After a week and a half of pure emotional exhaustion, I had talked to some of my older work friends and they told me what I already knew but didn't want to hear:

     KYLE WANTS TO BREAK UP BUT HE CARES TOO MUCH ABOUT YOU TO DO IT.

I finally realized it, mostly because I know the feeling from personal experience and I decided that I needed to pull the trigger on this relationship. He had loaded the gun and just couldn't finish it off. 

I drove up to his house on Friday Jan. 13th. I said something along the lines of, I'm here to break up with you, I think you don't really want to be in this relationship and you've been trying to end it for over a week. I love you and I want to be with you, but more importantly I want you to be happy and if I am not doing that for you anymore than I don't think we should be together. There is a part of you that doesn't want to be with me and you don't deserve to be in a relationship you sort of don't want to be in, and I don't deserve to be with someone who sort of doesn't want to be with me.

A few more small things were said the next day because of a family disaster I was having but that sums up the break up. 

And that is kind of all I have on the break up for now.