The Break Up

Alright so I think it's time to explain the break up...

New year's day: The is going great, we had a great time at our friend's house the night before and things were good... move to about 6 hours later and I mention Brendan (a story for another time) and next thing I know, he all of a sudden needs 'alone time' (a.k.a. He is mad and wants to think about it because he doesn't want to say something he doesn't mean) So I leave and wait. And wait. And by Wednesday at noon, I decided to say hello and ask what is up?

       Me: Hello...?

     Kyle: Hi.

       Me: Are you upset at me?

     Kyle: I'm more just upset?

       Me: Why?

(Here is the kicker!)

     Kyle: I just don't think our relationship is working out.

BAM! Blow to face, the heart, the stomach. I won't give you specific details or word-by-word play backs of the whole thing but it essentially turned into be being very confused and asking why and getting emotional and him saying he didn't have the energy to explain the problems anymore.

And as I am sure most of you long term relationship people know... These things never just end. They drag on for days (or in our case a week and a half). 

Well during this week and a half (in which we saw each other for maybe a combined time of 2 hours, which was usually me begging him to talk to me about "us"), many new things were revealed over texts (we are very text savvy and really have a hard time expressing our thoughts and emotions in person).

THINGS REVEALED:

1. Kyle said I don't think our relationship is working approximately 4 times, give or take a time or two.

2. Kyle said I haven't been happy.

3. Kyle said I think you've ruined it.

4. Kyle said Brendan (again a story for another time) is becoming your best friend again.

5. Kyle said (and I quote) "I just can't feel the same way I used to feel about you anymore, and I'm not like trying to feel differently, I want to love you still but I just can't.

6. Kyle said it's been really nice having all this alone time, I've gotten through a lot of this computer programming book that I would never have been able to do before

7. Kyle said after I had sort of already called him out on it, that there was a part of him that didn't want to be in a relationship

Okay... So through out this week and a half, I mentioned about every day like six times that I was:

1. Very sorry, and I understand why he is so upset (which I'll have to explain later) and that I know that I can't even really ask him to take me back

2. I still love you more than anything in the world.

3. I know how to fix this, and I know how to ensure this things will never be a problem again.

4. I want to be with you so much.

SOOOOOOO! After a week and a half of pure emotional exhaustion, I had talked to some of my older work friends and they told me what I already knew but didn't want to hear:

     KYLE WANTS TO BREAK UP BUT HE CARES TOO MUCH ABOUT YOU TO DO IT.

I finally realized it, mostly because I know the feeling from personal experience and I decided that I needed to pull the trigger on this relationship. He had loaded the gun and just couldn't finish it off. 

I drove up to his house on Friday Jan. 13th. I said something along the lines of, I'm here to break up with you, I think you don't really want to be in this relationship and you've been trying to end it for over a week. I love you and I want to be with you, but more importantly I want you to be happy and if I am not doing that for you anymore than I don't think we should be together. There is a part of you that doesn't want to be with me and you don't deserve to be in a relationship you sort of don't want to be in, and I don't deserve to be with someone who sort of doesn't want to be with me.

A few more small things were said the next day because of a family disaster I was having but that sums up the break up. 

And that is kind of all I have on the break up for now.